


Hope On This Side of the Grave

by pandasinthetardis



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 2012!Steve Rogers, Avengers Endgame Fix it, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Canon Divergence - Post-Avengers (2012), Catholic Steve Rogers, Endgame, Eventual Romance, Fix-It, Im playing fast and lose with religion so look away if that bothers you, Jewish Bucky Barnes, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Steve Rogers, Sort Of, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, so much pining and dumb fools being dumb
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-02-15 17:53:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18674590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandasinthetardis/pseuds/pandasinthetardis
Summary: Endgame made me sad so I focused on the part that made me happy. A universe were Steve looks for Bucky2012! Steve wakes up with a killer headache and the words, “Bucky is alive.” ringing in his ears.He knows what he has to do. He lost Bucky once, he promises not to lose him. Whatever it takes.**"Heard you found Loki." Rumlow holds his hand out for Steve and pulls him in close, his lips brushing against his ear. Steve almost flinches away before Rumlow whispers "Hail Hydra."A lot of things snap into place at once for Steven Grant Rogers, the greatest tactical mind of his age.





	1. Steve. The Start

**Author's Note:**

> So Endgame ruined me. But the silver lining is 2012!Steve looking for Bucky and taking Hydra down with him.
> 
> There is no Beta so if you see a mistake let me know!
> 
> Come find me on tumblr @pandasintheimpala

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 5/2/19- So I realized that I messed up the timeline because time travel is so dumb. In the original chapter Loki took off but Thor still had the Tesseract which... isn't possible. I changed it around a bit and had an unconscious Loki next to Steve when he wakes up.

Steve wakes up with a killer headache and the words “Bucky is alive” ringing in his ears.

He can’t seem to pull himself off the ground. But he can roll over onto his back and blink up at the ceiling high above him.

Really, a fall from that height could mess up his brain, right? 

He takes a breath and all he can hear is “Bucky is alive. Bucky is alive. Buckyisalivebuckyisalivebuckyisalive.” roar through his head. He remembers Bucky reaching and screaming and falling, falling, falling. Even with his superhuman abilities he wasn’t fast enough to grab Bucky. 

Even his brain, rattled from a fall, wouldn’t think of something at unfathomable as Bucky being alive.

But then… how did Loki guess that those words would stop Steve dead in his tracks. Steve himself didn’t even know those words would stop his heart.

Still splayed out on the floor, Steve takes stock of his surroundings.

He looks to his left and- 

"Jesus H Roosevelt Christ!" Steve yelps. Loki is a few feet away from him, mouth covered and unconscious. Between them is the Tesseract. "What the hell?" 

Steve remembers the fight. He remembers Loki saying Bucky is alive. He remembers being so confused then, for a split second, so hopeful. Bucky, alive? He remembers the staff hitting his chest. He remembers his hope being dashed. It was a trick played by a cruel God.

And the cruel God is currently splayed out next to him, dead to the world. 

Steve looks to his right and- yeah ok why not. 

Loki’s staff is to his right, which doesn’t make any sense. Steve _knows_ that Loki used the staff to stop him. He remembers the magic hitting his body while his heart broke. So why doesn't Loki have it?

Why didn't Loki use the Tesseract if he had it? 

Steve blinks slowly.

Why did Loki wait until he was captured to toy with him? Why not use his mind games on the Hellicarrier to distract Steve? And how was Loki _that_ good of a hand to hand fighter?

“This doesn’t make sense.” Steve sighs and reaches for the staff. He still can’t find the strength to sit up. His world has just been turned upside down for the second time today. He deserved a few seconds to think for God’s sake. Who could blame a guy, even a superhuman guy, if he needed a minute to think after everything that had happened in the past twenty-four hours?

The world had been very strange lately. Aliens. Gods. Magic.The man he fought... he fought just like Steve fought. The man he fought looked just like him.

If the imposter wasn’t Loki then… well, it had to be a version of Steve. Probably from the future if the lines around his mouth were any indication.

Because that made sense. 

Fuck the future. Where were the flying cars? Why couldn't he have flying cars and not aliens. Not Helicarriers, just flying cars like at the Stark Expo four years ago- 

Steve whimpers and shakes his head. Everything hurts. He has to get up. But something isn't right. Something isn't connecting in his brain and he has to figure out what. 

Steve slowly takes off his cowl and shuts his eyes. Loki snores softly beside him. He thinks about everything that’s happened to him since he enlisted:

One: He took a serum that made him superhuman. 

Two: He jumped over a flaming pit and lived.

Three: He survived uncountable gunshot wounds that would kill an average man. 

Four: Fought a megalomaniac with a red skull for a face who was also superhuman.

Five: Watched that man get swallowed into space. 

Six: Took a nose dive into the Arctic and survived without a scratch and woke up seventy years in the future where everyone he knew was dead or dying.

Or well… 

“Bucky is alive”

Almost everyone according to Loki. Or, rather, himself from another time?

He sighs again and rubs the bridge of his nose. 

So why should todays events surprise him?

Aliens? Sure, why not.

Magic staffs that open portals into space? Swell.

Ancient Nordic gods that control thunder? Fine.

Mind control? Okay.

So.

So time travel probably wasn’t the weirdest thing, right? A Steve from the future telling him that Bucky was alive probably made sense, all things considered, right?

Right.

Fuck.

Steve lets out a groan. This was too much like those pulp novels Bucky stayed up reading. Steve can hear him now: 

_“Look at this, Steve! Aliens! Do ya think that aliens are real?”_

__

__

_“Stevie, this year Star Expo is going to have a flying car! Can ya imagine that? In a few years we are going to be flying instead of driving!”_

Steve wipes tears from his eyes. This is too much. Everything had been taken away from him and now… now he might be able to get a big piece, an important piece, back if the other Steve was telling the truth. He hopes... God he hasn't had a thing to hope for in a long while. It feels odd, in his chest.

A thought forms: if Bucky was alive it meant Steve had left him out in the cold. It meant Steve didn't look hard enough. It meant Steve had failed Bucky... again.

Steve pushes that thought down deep. He can't afford to have a panic attack right now. 

Steve makes another list of things he knows to be true:

One: The man he fought was skilled in hand to hand combat. Better than Loki had been when they fought in Germany. Much better.

Two: The shield he fought against was real. There was no way magic could replicate Vibranium. Right?

Three: The man he fought looked like him but older. If it was Loki why make himself look _older?_

Four: Bucky is alive. Only Steve would think of something like that to say to himself. Only Steve knows that sometimes, in his darker moments, he wonders what would have happened if he jumped after Bucky, followed him like he was supposed too. Only Steve knows how powerful those words would be.

Even in the most dire of situations Steve wouldn’t lie about Bucky, not him being alive. It was too cruel. Some things are too sacred to mess around with. Not Bucky. Never Bucky.

Steve moves his arm and blinks up at the ceiling again. He bites his bottom lip. He can’t help but hope that the other Steve- the Steve from the future- was telling the truth.

If there was even a slim chance that Bucky was still alive, Steve had to look for him. There was no other option. 

“I guess I’m going to the Alps.” Steve says with determination. It was the last place he saw Bucky. Maybe Bucky had survived in the ice like he had. Somehow. Without superhuman stamina or strength or cells that could do whatever Steve’s did in order to survive. /p>

Steve hits his head against the floor. Things really didn’t make sense anymore. 

But.

_Bucky is alive_

He hears footsteps. He lets out a deep sigh, straight from his soul, and sits up. People probably shouldn’t see Captain America wallowing.

"There he is!" 

Steve looks up at the men in tac gear jogging toward him. The man leading the charge waves at him. Steve knows him…

Rumlow. S.H.I.E.L.D. Strike Team Alpha leader. Sort of a little shit. But good at his job.

Steve gives a small wave with the staff as Rumlow jogs over.

"Heard you got in a fight with Loki.” Rumlow holds his hand out for Steve and pulls him in close, his lips brushing against his ear. Steve almost flinches away before Rumlow whispers, "Hail Hydra."

For a split second Steve is sure he’s concussed.

Then a lot of things click into place at once for Steven Grant Rogers, the greatest tactical mind of his age.

Click

Hydra was still active. Rumlow whispering into his ear proved that. 

But how? Steve was positive the Red Skull was dead. That would have come up in conversation at some point, wouldn’t it? 

“Hey, Cap, sorry to tell you that you died for nothing. Red Skull is still out and about doing bad deeds and such.”

_Click_

Hydra didn’t die with Schmidt. It didn’t die at all because Hydra had more than one head… Zola. The SSR kept him around for information.

Steve crashed into the Arctic before Zola died. 

_Click_

Cold dread and understanding wash over Steve. He felt his body go as cold as when the Artic swallowed him up. 

The SSR kept Zola alive.

Zola had kept Hydra alive.

Brock Rumlow was a leading S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. 

Hydra had infiltrated S.H.I.E.L.D. It was no longer safe. 

_Click_

 

_Bucky is alive_

How?

Loki's body next to his. Weapons cast in different directions. It was un explainable. The man he fought was not Loki, couldn't be. Not with the skills and knowledge of Steve's soul laid bare. 

_Bucky is alive_

HOW

C

L

I

C

K

Steve’s mind slowed down and connected two dots. A reach, to be sure, but time travel and aliens and magic existed so why wasn't this possible?

Zola was doing experiments at Azzano. 

_Click_

Bucky was at Azzano, strapped to a table with needle marks on his arms and bruises on his face. 

_Click_

Bucky so weak he needed to lean on Steve those first few minutes they were trying to escape. 

_Click_

Bucky walking across a beam, steady and focused so soon after he needed Steve to lean on. 

Bucky helping other soldiers walk just days after getting dragged off of the examination table. 

Bucky always there by Steve’s side, ready to fight and fight and fight. 

Bucky only talking about Azzano once, when he was falling asleep and drowsy after a month out scouting. He said he felt needles in his arms and fire in his veins. The pure terror in his voice when he slurred Zola’s name broke Steve's heart. It would be the first and last time Steve heard Bucky talk about what had happened at Azzano. 

_Click_

Hadn’t Steve felt fire in his veins when the serum was injected into him? Hadn’t it hurt so bad that he screamed? But after was set free. Not so with Bucky. 

Zola-Hydra- had given Bucky a serum that had kept him alive. They would know something about Bucky. There would be files and research that Steve could read. It would be a start so he wasn’t wasting his time where he shouldn’t be. 

Maybe Bucky was trapped in the Alps. Maybe Bucky was on a sunny beach that he escaped to after the war. There were so many maybes and Steve felt hope for the first time in a very long while. 

Maybe Steve could find a part of himself in this brave new world.

_Click_

Steve forms a new strategy between the blink of his eyes. He knows what he has to do to find Bucky.

“Hail Hydra.” Steve whispers back. He meets Rumlow’s eyes when the man pulls back. He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t howl at the tragedy of it all, when Rumlow smiles.

Steve smiles back.

Once he finds a trace of Bucky he’s going to burn Hydra to the ground and spit on its ashes.


	2. Steve. Hail Hydra

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 5/2/19 So I realized that I messed up the timeline because time travel is so dumb. In the original chapter Loki took off but Thor still had the Tesseract which... isn't possible. I changed it around a bit. 
> 
> To clarify my au is a parallel timeline where 2012! Steve remembers what 2023! Steve said. 2023! Steve also replaces the staff and the Tesseract and Loki (He finds him in space and brings him back. Idk. Time travel is dumb.) which almost corrects the timeline except for the little fact that 2012! Steve knows Bucky is alive and Tony had a heart attack caused by Scott. This makes the ending of Avengers 2012 a little different in my fic. Thor leaves before getting lunch.
> 
> Did 2023! Steve do that on purpose? Who knows. Time travel is dumb.

“Hey Cap,” Natasha says over their com link. “You said you found Loki? Did he have the Tesseract by any chance?”

Steve thinks quickly. He creates a timeline in his head of what he knows about the staff and of Loki.

Natasha had the staff. She gave it to Sitwell and Rumlow. Between giving it to S.H.I.E.L.D.- no Hydra- and the fight, the Steve from the future had gotten the staff. Now Steve had it.

Somehow Loki had disappeared from Thor’s custody. Somehow the Tesseract is involved. 

For a second, Steve wishes that the Steve from the future left a note taped to Loki’s chest explaining everything and a map of where to find Bucky. 

“Hey Widow.” Steve says. Rumlow looks away but Steve isn’t fooled by his silence. The man is listening. “He found me. Tried to take the staff but I stopped him. I have the Tesseract.”

Steve remembers Bucky saying, “The key is to give a little information as possible and keep as close to the truth as you can. That’s what makes a lie good.” Steve isn’t sure if he can lie to a world class spy, but he has to try. 

His whole body is tense while he waits for Natasha’s reply. 

“Roger Rogers.” Natasha said playfully. She’s analyzing everything Steve just said. 

“Like I haven’t heard that one before,” Steve mutters. He knows he can’t trust anyone associated with S.H.I.E.L.D. He’ll find Bucky on his own if he has too. This hope fluttering in his chest it to precious to show anyone else. “I’ll be down with Loki and the staff in 15 minutes.”

Steve turns his com off, turns to Rumlow and Sitwell. Thinks quickly. “I know I took this off your hands.” Steve hedges his bets. He was always a gambler. “But judging by what just happened I’m going to give it back. Loki and the Tesseract need to be-“ Steve tries for menacing “dealt with.”

Sitwell nods his head as Rumlow takes the staff. “Mr. Secretary is in the lobby. He wants the Tesseract back.”

“Understood.” Steve says. 

Things click into place again. 

Mr. Secretary is Alexander Pierce, overseer of S.H.I.E.L.D. Steve had met him briefly, when he was first brought to S.H.I.E.L.D. He had smiled as he shook Steve’s hand. He’d called Steve, not Captain America, a hero. Christ, the leader of S.H.I.E.L.D. was probably working for Hydra. 

Everything Steve did was for nothing. His death meant nothing. He- He had to stop thinking this. There was no time to wallow in self-pity. Not with Hydra breathing down his back. Not with Bucky-Buckyisalive-out there, waiting for him. 

He needs to make a game plan for when he met Alexander Pierce and he has 15 minutes to do it. 

With barely any effort, Steve lifts Loki up over his shoulder then takes the Tesseract with him to the elevator. 

Rumlow honest to God saluts him when Steve leaves. 

Steve wants to put his fist through a wall. He wants to pull his hair out and scream. 

Instead he takes a deep breath. Holds it. Lets it out. 

He remembers that Bucky is out there, waiting to be found. 

**  
15 minutes wasn’t a lot of time to come up with a plan, but Steve has done more with less.

By time he has entered the lobby he has a game plan. 

Clint is sitting on a chair, he legs spread out to make a V in front of him. He looks like he’s asleep. Next to him Natasha is curled up, eyes alert. She clocked Steve walking into the lobby and hasn’t taken her eyes off him. It makes Steve nervous.

The Hulk has turned back into Bruce Banner and looks meek next to Tony, who is leaning against the reception desk talking to an older man with blonde hair. 

Pierce.

The hair on the back of Steve’s neck rise at the same time Thor spots him.

“AH! STEVEN! YOU HAVE FOUND BY BROTHER!” Thor booms from across the lobby. 

Pierce looks Steve up and down, his gaze almost like Natasha’s but more… calculating. Steve doesn’t know what to do so he nods. Pierce inclines his head slowly then looks back to Thor.

“Mr. Odinson,” Pierce says, not for the first time judging by the tightness around his eyes, “This is S.H.I.E.L.D. property. It belongs to us.”

“I AM SORRY GOOD SIR!” Thor shouts. His voice bounces off the walls of Stark Tower and Steve can’t help but flinch as he walks over. “BUT YOU HAVE SEEN HOW EASILY MY BROTHER GOT THE TESSERACT TWO TIMES NOW. NO. IT WILL BE SAFER IN ASGARD.”

“What my good friend, Thor, God of Thunder, is trying to say if that you can’t have it. In fact, you guys suck at protecting it.” Tony translates. 

Steve guesses now is a good a time as any to butt in. He drops Loki to the floor at Thor’s feet. The hard ground connects with Loki’s head and jolts him awake. He looks around, confused, then his eyes land on Steve. If there wasn’t a mouth guard covering his face, Steve knows his cover would be blown. 

Loki looks terrified when Steve looks down at him. He’s taking behind his mouth guard and Steve prays that it stays on. 

“Mr. Secretary, Sir,” Steve says. He stands in a way so Pierce can’t get a good look at Loki. Pierce watches him carefully. “Here is the Tesseract.”

Thor and Tony both give shouts of surprise as Steve hands over a world-ending weapon. They don’t even know the half of it. He wishes somebody would stop him.

Pierce looks down at the Tesseract then back up at Steve, clearly at a loss for words. The S.H.I.E.L.D. –Hydra- personnel behind him stop whatever it was they were doing. 

He studies Tony, then Thor, then Steve and comes to a decision. He takes the Tesseract from Steve and hands it to Thor. “As a… show of good faith, I will give the Tesseract back to you, Thor. I hope, when the time comes, we can be allies. I think the Tesseract will be better protected by Gods then mortals.” Peirce says.

The people behind Pierce do a double take. It mirrors the looks of surprise on both Tony and Thor’s faces. 

“VERILY!” Thor says, confused but happy. He takes the Tesseract then lifts his still mumbling brother up. 

Steve smiles a little. Out of everyone on his team, Thor is probably not a Hydra spy. Maybe with Thor on his side he could-

“NOW! I MUST BE AWAY! I MUST RETURN TO ASGARD AT ONCE! MY BROTHER ESCAPED ONCE, LETS NOT GIVE HIM A SECOND CHANCE!” Thor shouts. Steve wonders if he ever whispers. 

Thor bows to the assembled Avengers before the walks out through the lobby doors. 

Steve strains to watch his one ally leave earth for another planet. There is a loud clap of thunder and Steve knows Thor is gone.

So, Steve is alone on this. That’s ok. He can do this. He can. He has to, for Bucky.

Slowly, Steve looks back at Pierce. 

Pierce is looking right back at him. Their eyes meet. Steve needs to say something _now_ , but Tony is so close and will overhear anything Steve says./p>

Tony claps his hands together. “And with that we must be off. Do excuse me, I’ve died almost died twice today and that gives me the munchies. So! Shwarma anyone? Not you.” Tony points to Pierce and frowns. “Only people who saved the world from an alien invasion can join me.”

Steve and Pierce hardly blink.

Clint makes a startled grunt and falls out of his chair. Tony’s attention changes from Pierce to Clint. 

“I’m game for Shwarma.” Clint mumbles. 

“There’s a good man.” Tony says and walks towards Clint. Bruce follows him. 

Pierce and Steve are still watching each other, calculating the next step to take that would deliver them the best outcome.

"Haven’t had Shwarma since I was in Turkey.” Bruce adds. 

Steve holds out a hand, never breaking eye contact. Pierce takes it. Steve pulls him close. 

“Hail Hydra.” Steve whispers

He’s always been a betting man. It's just that the stakes have never been this high.

“Sounds nice.” Natasha says, finally looking away from Steve. She uncurls herself from her chair and offers her hand to Clint who takes it with a thankful smile.

Pierce’s body goes rigid as Steve pushes him away. 

Their eyes meet again. Pierce blinks. Then a shocked smile spreads across his face. 

Steve nods. Inside he’s shaking, praying that this works. He turns to his teammates, none of whom he can trust, and smiles. He can play this part. He has too.

“I… I don’t know what Shwarma is?”  
**

Even though the future has Gods and aliens and time travel the thing that most impresses Steve is how good the food is. He starts to make a list of things he's going to show Bucky when they see each other again. Maybe Bucky would find it funny. They could compare their favorite things. It becomes his Things I Like About The Future List. Shwarma is at the top./p>


	3. Steve. A Miracle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve dreams of a rosary and of blue eyes.

1929

Steve is sick. Again.

Steve is praying. Again. 

He figures it can’t hurt his case. Maybe God will get so annoyed that he’ll make Steve well again. It’s worth a shot. 

By 2:00 p.m., after hours of wringing his rosary, Steve is no better but no worse. God works in mysterious ways.

“Stevie!” comes a shout from the front of Sarah Roger’s apartment. “Oh. Hello Mrs. Rogers, ma’am. Is Steve-he wasn’t at school so I reckon he’s sick and- well I brought his homework-his teacher said she hopes he gets better soon.“

“Hello Bucky,” Sarah says. Steve can’t see her but he knows she’s smiling. Bucky has a way of making any Rogers smile. “He’s in his room. You may go in, just don’t get him too excited.”

“Yes ma’am!” Bucky says. Steve can hear Bucky run towards his room. He stops just outside the door. Steve waits with a smile he’s sure mirrors his mother’s. Then, in a whisper, “Stevie? Can I come in?”

“Yeah, Buck. Come on in.”

The door creaks open slowly and Bucky looks in with wide eyes. Where was that energy from a few seconds ago? Steve wonders. When Bucky sees Steve, sitting up and alert, he breaks into a smile. He slams the door all the way open. Ah, there it is. 

“Stevie you ain’t ever gonna guess what happened in my class today. Ya know how-“ 

Steve lets his best friends chatter wash over him. It’s calming, in a way, to hear Bucky tell his stories. 

“And then-Hey- whatcha got there?” Bucky’s sitting on the edge of Steve’s bed, eyeing his rosary. Bucky is too curious for his own good. Steve wonders, with Bucky being Jewish and all, if he’s ever even seen a rosary. 

“Just praying, Buck.” Steve holds out his hand-me-down rosary for Bucky to inspect. Bucky takes it between his thumb and pointer finger and rubs it. Then looks quickly up at Steve. 

“Teach me.” 

“Teach you?”

“Yeah. We do it different. Teach me. Figure if God gets busy listening to us pray then I can reach him your way.” 

“I’m not sure it works that way, Buck.” Steve laughs. The laugh turns into a wheezing cough. Bucky rubs Steve's back and hands him water from the table next to the bed. 

“Breath with me, Stevie. You got this.” Bucky has slowed his breathing and is holding Steve’s hand to his chest. Steve focused on the feel of Bucky’s shirt, the rise and fall off his chest. It helps.

“Thanks.” Steve says, bitter. He wishes he didn’t have to have his best friend keep him from having an asthma attack. Bucky just squeezes his hand then lets go. Steve holds his hand to Bucky’s chest for a split second more, then drops it to the safety of his lap. 

“Payment is teaching me how to pray.” Bucky says and holds out the rosary. 

Steve huffs out a laugh, careful this time, and moves Bucky’s hands in the proper position to hold the rosary. He doesn’t let go.

“Repeat after me, kay? It’s in Latin.”

“Got it.”

He can feel Bucky watching him closely so he closes his eyes and begins to pray. 

_Ave Maria, gratia plena, Dominus tecum._  
Benedicta tu in mulieribus,  
et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Iesus. 

Steve peaks one eye open and sees Bucky is still watching him. Bucky licks his lips and Steve… Steve swears he can see the Holy Mother reflected in Bucky’s eyes. 

He swallows, closes his eyes, and continues the prayer. 

_Sancta Maria, Mater Dei,_  
ora pro nobis peccatoribus,  
nunc et in hora mortis nostrae. Amen. 

 

“That it?” Bucky whispers. His forehead knocks against Steve’s. Steve opens his eyes. 

“Yeah.” Steve whispers back, his heart nearly beating out of his chest. Their fingers are still intertwined together. Steve feels the sweat from Bucky’s forehead. He wants to be closer. He wants to be inside-

“Did it work?” 

“Guess it depends on what you prayed for.” Steve leans back, away from Bucky, to look him in the eyes. Good God, those eyes. They’re the only eyes that have ever seen Steve and Steve loves them like the Apostles loved Christ. Or maybe… maybe he loves them in another way. The thought sends a shiver down Steve’s spine. 

Bucky's pupils are blown wide. His hands are sweaty and his thumb keeps rubbing against the rosary. Steve can feel Bucky's thumb, calloused from working at the Docks on the weekend. Back and forth. Back and forth. 

He opens his mouth to say something- 

Sarah Rogers calls out from the kitchen, “Bucky, can you come here and bring this soup to Steve?”

They drop the rosary together and it clatters to the floor. 

Steve looks are Bucky and Bucky gapes back. He’s out of the room before Steve can say his name. 

When he comes back, two bowl of soup balanced on top of a tray, he’s smiling like nothing happened. 

Steve guess he should play along. 

 

2012

Two days after the Battle of New York, after Steve had fallen into a restless sleep, he dreams. 

He dreams of a memory: a rosary, hot hands holding his, wide blue eyes, and wet lips. 

When he wakes up, three hours after falling asleep, he checks his phone for a missed message. 

Nothing.

Steve decides that, well, he’s tried everything he can think of but one thing and he did dream of a rosary (He buries the other parts deep down. He's good at that. He's had a lot of practice). 

Praying used to work, before the war. He’s not sure if he believes anymore but… he’s seen his fair share of miracles. He _is_ a miracle. So, it’s worth a shot. 

When he walks into the church people don’t notice right away. He kneels in the back and tries not to be seen. Before the serum he had to shout and jump around to be seen. Now… now he just exhales and people notice him. The congregation stare and act like he’s the second coming of Jesus. They all turn their heads and watch him, whisper that Captain America is in their church! 

It’s too much. He just wants a moment to pray for a miracle without being watched (He's buried the feeling of Bucky watching him, of how he liked it.).

He buys a rosary and takes it home. It remains untouched at his bedside.

**

 

In desperation for a connection, for a piece of his past that remembers him, Steve calls his only friend in this century. 

When she answers the phone her frail voice causes Steve’s heart to stall. Briefly Steve wonders if he’s having a heart attack. 

He hangs up the phone before he can hurt her. He can’t tell her about S.H.I.E.L.D. or Zola or Bucky-

The loud ringing from his phone gives Steve another jolt to his heart. He knows if he doesn’t answer it she will keep calling. 

He hits the green button and before he can say anything Peggy is talking-

“Steve, is that you?” Peggy asks. There is steel behind the rasp of her words. “Steven Rogers, you answer me right this second.”

“Heya Peggy,” Steve whispers into his phone. He realizes that he’s crying. Her voice is a salve for his soul. It’s so good to hear her voice even though it’s a little older, a little tired, it’s still Peggy Carter.

“Oh, Steve. I’ve been waiting for your call.”

“I’m sorry-“ Steve gasps. “I’m sorry I kept you waiting.” He means it in more ways than one.

“You’re here now, that’s all that matters.” Peggy says and Steve can hear the smile in her voice, the happiness. 

“Peggy-“ Steve starts then stops. He can’t tell her about S.H.I.E.L.D., it would break her heart. She created it, raised it, fought for it. She’s fought her own battles, and won, and now it’s her time to rest. “Peggy. It’s good to hear your voice. Can you talk a little longer?”

Steve listens to Peggy talk about her life, a life without Steve but so full and so wonderful, and Steve falls asleep with a smile. He dreams of Peggy and what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. 

 

When Steve wakes up, his cell phone stuck to his face and out of battery, he promises to live a life that would make her proud. He promises to destroy Hydra for all it did to her. 

Before he starts his day he grabs his rosary and, for the first time in a year or seventy depending on whose counting, Steve Rogers prays for a miracle. 

**

Two days later his miracle starts. 

When Steve answers his phone he doesn’t look at the caller I.D. He just assumes it’s Peggy for their daily chat. She says it’s good for her memory (“I have a disease Steve. It takes away my memory. But our talks, they help me.” Steve had punched a wall after that talk.) and Steve would do anything for Peggy. 

 

“Captain Rogers, this is Agent Sitwell.” Steve feels his heart seize up. It’s not the voice he expects and he almost curses into the phone. “Are you still in New York?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I really like the idea of Bucky being Jewish and Steve being Irish Catholic. And Steve totally would have called Peggy and talked to her BEFORE 2014!
> 
> Kudos and comments really make me happy. I didn't know I needed them until now.


	4. Steve. Believe Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky always was the better liar.

**1930**

The Nun, or Sister Sullivan to church goers, finds Bucky and Steve trying to sneak into the back of the church. 

"Steven Grant Rogers!" Sister Sullivan hisses. "Have you been in a fight again, young man? It's Sunday!"

Steve is leaning on Bucky who has one arm wrapped around the smaller boy. Steve has the start of a black eye, a busted lip, and a ripped shirt. Underneath his Sunday best are a patchwork of bruises and bumps that ache with every breath. Bucky thinks it might be easier just to carry Steve to his church but knows better than to bring it up. Steve glances at Bucky, begging for help. Bucky takes a deep breath and lies through his teeth. 

"No, sister. I promised to come to Mass today so Steve was waiting for me outside my apartment. Well, my tenement is really old." Bucky says the last part in a whisper and a quick look at Steve. Steve looks up at the Sister with big eyes. He's bitting his lip trying not to smile at Bucky's bold faced lie. The Barnes' family isn't rich but they don't live in no old tenement building like Steve and Sarah Rogers. But the Sister would never know that since The Barnes' never go to Church. Steve once again marvels at how quick Bucky is.

"Well, Steve and I was walkin' down to the bottom floor an' the stairs just gave in! I was ahead of him and he jus' grabbed me. God must have been watching over Steve to give him the strength!" Steve elbows Bucky. Bucky grunts and elbows back right where he knows will hurt. "He pulled me away but then he fell down." Bucky is waiving the arm not supporting Steve wildly, for effect. Steve nods along, head bowed to hide his grimace. Bucky got him right where the Danny kicked him not thirty minutes before. 

"Was a clamor, it was sister. Fell down a flight of stairs, Steveie did. I don't think anything is broken, just bruised. I told Stevie to stay home but ya know what he said? He told me, 'Buck, Jesus had it a lot worse on that cross so a few bruises ain't gonna stop me from bein' an alter boy.'" Steve puffs up his chest and smiles, right on que. The smile causes his split lip to bleed a little. He licks it away. Bucky looks down quickly, something bubbling in his gut. 

Sister Sullivan smiles down at Steve and clutches her heart. "Well, go get cleaned up then. Wash you face and don't get blood on the robes. Father O'Conell is waiting so hurry up now."

"Yes Sister." Steve says. "Is it ok if Bucky help me seeing as my ankle hurts a bit from the fall?"

"Of course, of course." The sister says, already distracted by her other duties. 

"Thank you Sister." Steve says. 

"Thank you, Sister." Buck repeats, the words odd on his tongue.

Together, arms wrapped around each other, they hobble into Steve's church. It's not the first time Bucky's been here and yet he's always amazed at how different it is from his Synagog. 

"Buck, I've no earthly idea how people believe you."Steve whispers. "Fallin' down stairs? I fought in an ally two blocks away an' you pulled me out! Ornery bastard. "

The smile that spreads across Bucky's lips is made of mischief. " 's a gift, Stevie. A gift from God Himself. It's saved us-"

"A curse from Satan, more like. Gotten you- and me- into more trouble than I can count-"

"We both know your failing Geometry so you can't count-"

"Geometry is shapes, Buck, you don't need a whole lotta math in _Geometry_ -"

"Listen, punk, 'm trying to make a point about my gift-"

"Jerk. Your curse-"

"My _gift_ has saved our sorry butts more times than we can count and only one of us passed Geometry. Just wait, one day you'll need me to lie for you and I won't." 

"You'd let me get in trouble, Buck? You'd abandon your best pal?" Steve says it as a joke, even laughs a little, but the way Bucky looks at him makes him stop. Bucky's arm tightens around Steve's bruised shoulders as if to keep them tethered together. As if Steve would rather be anywhere else.

"Never, Stevie." Bucky whispers, eyes wide and sure. Steve can feel his heart sputter and not just because it does that sometimes but because Bucky's eyes always make his heart feel weird things. "You save me, I save you. 'Till the end of the line, right? And 'm saying this in a church, on hollowed ground, so it's a holy promise."

"Yeah, Buck. 'Till the end of the line." Steve whispers back with a small smile. 

The angels and saints in the stain glass windows watch the two young men promise each other forever. 

 

**2012**

Steve watches the sun rise of New York. He decides, once he finds Bucky, he’s going to show him this view. He wonders how old Bucky is now, what he's been doing, why he wasn't there when Steve was woken up. Worry, the heart stopping terror of not knowing how Bucky is alive, tries to claw its way out of the cage Steve has locked it into. He doesn't have time for worry or fear or panic, they will only slow him down. 

The sunrise colors are gone from the sky when Steve steps outside into New York. His baseball cap is pulled down low to hide his face. There is no time to be stopped by people who want to thank him, shake his hand, take a picture-he’ on a mission. 

Alexander Pierce has summoned him for brunch. Steve guesses even evil sleeps in on a Sunday. 

By foot it takes about forty minutes to get from Avengers Tower in Midtown to the Upper East Side. The Metro is closed due to giant alien whales raining from above. Not for the first time that week Steve thinks: fuck the future. 

Never in a million years did Steve think he would know somebody that lived in the Upper East Side of Manhattan. If it wasn’t the lair of Hydra he might even be impressed.

When he knocks on the door of an unassuming brownstone, Rumlow opens it. He’s smiling with all the warmth of a shark. 

“Rumlow.” Steve says in greeting. He hopes Rumlow doesn’t pull him into their super secret whisper greeting. Wouldn’t a secret handshake or unassuming phrase be better, Steve thinks. He can’t help but smirk thinking about Rumlow and Sitwell going for a high five then doing that weird pulling away hand squiggle that Clint did to Natash. _“It’s a squid, get it?”_

“Cap.” Rumlow grunts back. Thankfully the man doesn’t pull Steve close to whisper sweet nothings into his ear. Small mercy. “Mr. Secretary is in his dinning room. He’s waiting for you.”

Rumlow isn’t in civvies and is packing at least two pistols and a knife. Steve starts to sweet and misses the heavy weight of his shield at his back. He had debated for a few minutes if he should bring it or not, and great tactical mind that he is, decided against it. He wanted to seem peaceful, unassuming, trustful. _Who me? Kill the Red Skull? Golly gosh I could never we were best buds!_

“Good Morning, Captain Rogers.” Pierce is eating a grapefruit at his dinning room table. He looks up when Steve comes in, motions for Steve to sit. Men and women stand around the room, watching Steve carefully. 

Steve takes three steps into the dinning room when he catches something out of the corner of his eye, the sun hitting something almost out of his line of sight. Steve turns to face it and-

In the corner opposite Pierce is a man dressed all in black. A gun rests at his hip. A mask and pair of black goggles obscure his face. And, good God, is his left arm metal?

Pierce watches Steve curiously then grins like a cat that has a canary cornered. “Ah. Sorry to startle you. He’s here for my protection. I can never be too careful.”

“I understand. “Steve says, eyes never straying from the man in the corner. 

Steve knows that, even without seeing the man’s eyes, they are trained on him, tracking his every breath, ready to attack. Again, he wishes for his shield so he could put it between him and the man with the mask. The shield might not be much use against the man but it wouldn’t hurt to have something-anything-between him and those hidden eyes. 

“Please, Captain Rogers, sit.” Pierce says. Steve knows an order when he hears one and the little sick kid from Brooklyn raises his hackles. Old habits die hard.

“If you don’t mind, I think I’ll stand. I can never be too careful.” Steve knows he needs to look away from the man in the mask but the man as a gun and a metal arm and Steve _can’t._

Every nerve in Steve’s body is on edge as adrenalin pulses through him. ‘This man could kill me’ Steve thinks ‘the minute I look away he could kill me.’

“Stand down, Soldier.” Pierce orders. Metal whirs as the masked man relaxes a fraction, hand never leaving his riffle. Steve doesn’t relax but he does look away. 

Death doesn’t reign down from above. So far, so good.

Lying has never come easy, that was always Bucky's part to play. He wishes Bucky was here to help. But Steve is alone and has done research and taken notes and had days to practice what he would say. He takes a deep breath and thinks of what Bucky would say if he was there. 

“Mr. Secretary, Sir. Thank you for calling me. I’m aware that this might come as a surprise. How much do you know about my time with Hydra?” 

Pierce takes a bite of his grapefruit. Swallows. Calculates. “Honestly, Captain Rogers, I was under the impression that you didn’t care for us all that much.”

Steve smirks. Exhales a laugh that scratches his throat on the way out. _I can do this. I have to do this._

“I’ve heard what they say about me. It’s amusing, but wholly incorrect. I didn’t join the Air Force, I joined the Army and they didn’t teach me how to fly.” Steve grunts for effect. “The fucking plane hit turbulence. Schmidt tried to re-set the Tesseract. Touched it and was- he fucking disappeared in a blue light.”

Steve stops and looks out a window and takes a breath. His heart is beating fast and he’s as angry as he ever was back in the alleyways of Brooklyn. 

“I died trying to fly that piece of shit plane to safety, not crash it into a frozen wasteland.” The words are wrong but the furry at dying, at missing out on a life- that’s not a lie. Steve feels the rage deep in his gut: the life taken from him and the people he was forced to leave behind. That his life, his death, was for nothing, it amounted to nothing. A Zero-Sum. 

Pierce had stopped eating half way through Steve’s speech. Rumlow was smiling at Steve like he was the best present under the Christmas tree. The man in the mask still stood, hand on his gun, metal arm recalibrating every few breaths.

Steve counts, allows time for other people to fill in the gaps with their own conclusions. One, two, three, four, five, six-

“Well, Captain Rogers, that certainly is an amazing story. But you must understand we have no record, no proof-“

“Zola survived, didn’t he?” Steve barks. God that hurts his heart to think, that Zola lived and created Hydra, tainted what Peggy built, hurt Bucky in Azzano. “He hated me because of the serum, I was everything he couldn't create. Arrogant little weasel but smart. Why do you think I didn’t kill him on the train?”- - _“Cap, you can’t he has information. Cap, please I can’t stop you-“ “Fuck him and his fucking information, Gabe! Because of him Bu-Buck-Oh God, Bucky. I couldn't reach him. I _couldn't_ Oh God.”_\- -“I knew that if, somehow, Schmidt and I failed he’d be the head that would survive. He built Hydra after us, didn’t he? I guess he's the reason you all are here?”

Steve stops, thinks. He tracked down what happened to Zola. Operation Paper Clip. From there Zola must have wormed Hydra into S.H.I.E.L.D. Steve knows there are cracks in his lie. Can Pierce see them? Does Pierce now? He's flying blind and he never was a good pilot. 

“He was arrogant, wasn’t he?” Pierce laughs. “He gave Hydra a lot but when he died I can’t say I didn’t spit on his grave.”

“I know you don’t trust me. I know what it looks like.” Steve runs a hand through his hair and pulls. _Hail Mary full of grace please let this work._ “What the history books got wrong is that I’ve hated the world since I was a child. I was sick and weak and people treated me like I was nothing. People are cruel and stupid and need… somebody to show them how to act. The world needs order and Hydra can give the world what it needs. So, what do I have to do to get back in? How do I help finish what started 70 years ago?” 

The smile that breaks across Pierce’s face is terrifying. That smile lays his soul bare and Steve does not like what he sees. 

“Well, Captain Rogers.” Pierce stands up. The solider with the mask moves silently to his side like a dog attuned to his master’s every demand. “We might have some use for you. I've been thinking that it's time for Nick Furry to have an accident. What do you think?"

Steve feels a scream crawling through his throat. Instead he bares his teeth against the scream and says, "I've always thought command suited me.” 

“Hail Hydra.” Pierce says.

“Hail Hydra!” The men and women around him shout.

"Hail Hydra." Steve says. He's in a nightmare he can’t wake up from. 

The soldier with the mask doesn’t say a word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun Dun DUN
> 
> I'm really loving the comments and kudos. <3


	5. Natasha. Ex-Soviet Spy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Natasha's turn! 
> 
> Does this mean we might get a Bucky POV? Yes. How do I know this? Cause I already wrote it!
> 
> Again, every comment and kudo makes me smile! Thank you!

Natasha has been watching Steve since before New York. She’s had eyes on almost every Avenger because that’s her _job_ and she does it well. She does it so well that sometimes she accidentally stumbles on things she shouldn’t. 

For instance, right after the battle of New York she watches as Captain America, a man who had a serious problem with authority if his classified arrest record from the 1930’s were anything to go by, (seriously the man fought a cop for calling a black man a slur, punched at least five Nazis, stole food for his ill neighbor, and was arrested at a union protest, among other things. Natasha kind of loved the tiny kid from Brooklyn.) walks up to one of the most powerful men in the world and Hands. Over. A. World. Ending. Weapon.

Natasha knows people. She knows what makes them tick and tock and do everything they do. Again, it’s her job. So when she sees Captain America just hand over a weapon of mass destruction, well the alarm bells in the back of her brain go off. She keeps watching. Clint is beside her, going in and out of sleep. A world class spy he is not, but a distraction he could be. 

When she kicks Clint’s chair he spills out of it and grunts , “I could go for Shwarma.” 

Tony walks over, away from Steve. 

Natasha watches as Captain America pulls the World Security Council Secretary, leader of S.H.I.E.L.D., all around good man, close and whispers something in his ear. Judging from how rigid Pierce goes, it was something important. 

She is going to find out what.  
_ _ _

Watching Steve for a week, Natasha comes to the conclusion that he’s very boring and very sad. 

Her mental list of Sad Shit Steve Rogers Does is as follows:

1\. Wakes up before the sun has even thought of showing up in this hemisphere.  
2\. Goes to church once then never again.  
3\. Calls Peggy at least once a day, sometimes more. Natasha knows that Peggy’s the only part of Steve’s past but she also knows a horrible copping mechanism when she sees one.  
4\. He’s destroyed every punching bag in the Stark Tower gym. Tony is not impressed.  
5\. Only talks to his teammates when they initiate conversation and then responds in short answers.  
6\. When he’s not punching things or training or cleaning up after an alien invasion, he sits and draws. So far Natasha hasn’t been able to see what he’s drawn- he ripped them up when he’s finished.  
7\. He runs, in more ways than one. 

Bottom line: Steve Rogers is not coping well with the future.

When she’s spying through his computer she finds his stash of downloaded documentaries about World War II. He also has de-classified files on all his old war buddies. One file labeled James Buchanan Barnes sits atop the pile of Steve’ old war buddies. 

Stamped across James’s file: Killed In Action

Written beneath that: Bucky is alive.

Trained since childhood not to display emotion, Natasha’s raised eyebrow is the only thing that shows she’s surprised. 

“Oh, Steve.” She whispers to nobody. 

The math she does in her head would put Bucky at just shy of 100 years old. Even if he did survive whatever killed him in World War II he wouldn’t be alive much longer. What was Steve thinking? 

Flipping through the file produces more handwritten notes about a man named Zola and his history with S.H.I.E.L.D. Clearly Steve didn’t know how to print out images from his computer because there are hand drawn pictures all over the notes. Natasha can’t help but be charmed by Steve’s unknown talent.

She looks through his files and computer (He doesn’t have a password. Natasha needs to talk to him about that.) to see what he’s been doing. She finds videos of archival footage of Steve and his team in World War II, images of Barnes, and PDFs of classified documents about S.H.I.E.L.D. Skimming through the documents the name Zola appears more than once. 

For exactly 15 minutes Natasha sits and looks over the information at Steve’s desk. She finds herself impressed at the documents Steve had gotten his hands on in such a short period of time. When the alarm inside her head goes off, she stands up, carefully arranges everything the way it was, and sneaks out of Steve’s room at Stark Tower. 

She doesn’t like that she doesn’t understand what’s going on. 

_____

Watching Steve for the past two weeks hasn't been fun but it did lend itself to a tight schedule. So when he leaves Stark Tower at an unusual time, Natasha gets a notice on her phone. 

Steve heads out into the brave new world. Natasha, of course, follows. She’s aware she’s tracking a tactical genius and takes precautions. This man has lived through a war, fought off evil, and woke up in another century, he has to be on edge and alert. She stays behind him, out of his line of sight. She’s a master tracker and can afford to take her eyes off her target every now and then. The fact that she placed a tracking device on his jacket also helps.

When Steve walks into a brownstone Natasha is surprised to see Rumlow peak out to see if Steve was followed. 

Natasha doesn’t trust many people, it’s her default setting. Not only does she not trust Rumlow, she doesn’t like him all that much. Her gut tells her that he’s not a good person and while she doesn’t have proof to back it up, her gut is hardly ever wrong. 

Natasha waits. She learns about who owns the brownstone. It takes almost an hour. 

When the door to the Brownstone opens she doesn’t react. 

When Steve almost stubbles down the stairs she doesn’t react. 

When Steve passes by her alley way she says: “Hello Steve.”

Steve jumps ten feet in the air, looks around, then pushes her into the ally way she had just slunk out of. It was kind of hot, though stupid, if Natasha was being honest. 

“Romanoff, what are you doing here?” Steve hisses and looks around. Natasha looks him over and notes: elevated pulse, dilated eyes, panic, worry. His blue eyes can’t meet hers. 

“Taking a stroll. You?”

“We both know that's bullsh- that’s not what you were doing. Why are you following me?” Steve has her pinned in a way that she can’t get the momentum needed to push him off balance. Her heart beats to a steady rhythm. 

“Now why would you think that?” Natasha pushes her body into his and Steve recoils. He doesn’t let her go but now she has room to move. “Should I be following you?”

They stare at each other in that alley way and Natasha can see how stubborn Steve Rogers really is. It’s almost enough to make her smile. She knows stubborn when she sees it and knows she would have to put forth real effort to out-stubborn the man in front of her.

“Does this have anything to do with your friend? James?” Natasha asks, waiting to see how Steve will react. It's a dirty trick but she's ready to hit bellow the belt. 

Steve’s mouth falls open. It takes him a few seconds to collect himself before he growls: “How could you possibly know that?”

“Well, I am a spy, Rogers.” 

Steve’s mouth twists into an ever deeper frown. “Why are you spying on me?”

“Rogers,” Natasha says, deadpan. “I am a _spy_. It’s what I do. Plus, I know what it’s like to not know or trust anyone. I know what it’s like to have your life ripped away from you and never be able to go back. It’s different, what happened to you, but I think the feelings can be similar.”

Steve’s mouth has fallen open again halfway through Natasha’s speech.

“You probably think you have to do this on your own-finding James?- but the things is you don’t have to.”

Steve’s eyebrows shoot up but Natasha continues, unaware of the impact of her words. 

“It’s ok not to trust me, I get that. But let me help you.”

Steve stares at her then- to Natasha’s surprise- smiles. 

“Of course you're just like him.” Steve says while he releases Natasha. "I probably shouldn’t, but I do trust you. Besides, you’re the first person this century to offer to help me. Hydra probably wouldn't offer to help.” Steve runs his hand through his hair and sighs. “I _am_ trying to find somebody, Bucky-James Barnes. It’s going to sound crazy-“

“Steve, I’m an ex-Soviet spy talking to man who was frozen in ice for seventy years. We fought aliens and a God together.” Natasha debates saying the next part, but she did tell him she was a spy. “I went through your files. I read what you wrote. You think your friend is alive and Hydra is still out there. So… start at the beginning.”

Steve’s face goes through many expressions-Natasha counts at least ten-before he settles on amused. “Ex-Soviet spy?” 

Natasha inclines her head. 

“Ok, let’s go get something to eat first, though. I haven’t eaten all day. Figures Hydra wouldn't offer to feed me.”

“Have you ever had Thai food?” Natasha wraps her arms around Steve and they walk out the alleyway and into the sun.

“I grew up in the Great Depression. I lived off boiled cabbage and potatoes. I’m pretty sure I had scurvy at least once. ” 

“Well, Mr. Rogers,” Natasha snickers and Steve thinks he missed some sort of joke. “Do I got a surprise for you.”

\- - -

Natasha watches Steve eat almost three servings of Pad Thai before he start his story. She doesn’t interrupt, doesn’t ask for clarification, just listens until the very end. Part of her brain is too busy thinking of all the things she did… for Hydra. All that red in her ledger and now there was even more? She pushes down the panic-the anger- and focuses on Steve and his mission. Their mission.

“And now they have me ready to replace Fury. So I have to stop that…somehow.” Steve exhales and eyes the last of Natasha’s curry. She pushes it to him and he nods his thanks. 

“So…” Natasha starts then stops. “When you fought Loki, it wasn’t Loki... it was you...from the future?”

“I’m guessing. He was a better fighter than I was and looked… older. Tired. He knew what to say to get me to stop fighting.” Steve shrugs, shakes his head, then spoons more curry into his mouth. Natasha has seen a lot of Shit with a capital S, things that would make normal people want to rip their eyeballs out. sHe's learned to not let it bother her. And yet watching Steve shovel vast amounts of food into his mouth is something that makes her a little queasy. He does know there is more food, right? 

“We’ll put a pin in that. Then the STRIKE team said Hail Hydra and you went along with it?” Natasha isn’t sure she’d be that quick on her feet. Steve just shrugs like it's no big deal. 

“It’s not a big deal. You would have done the same.” The curry is almost gone but Steve is pitifully scrapping the bottom of the plate. 

“Then they just… invited you to brunch? Alexander Peirce invited you to brunch and then said he wanted to kill Fury?” Natasha can feel her voice getting a little out of control. 

“Like I said, crazy. ” Steve sighs, looks Natasha in the eyes. 

“Do you trust that it was that easy?” 

“Honestly? No. But I can’t help but hope. I need something, any lead, to find Bucky. Once I find him I’m burning Hydra to the ground.”

“First things first, we have to stop this assassination attempt. Then we find your friend.” Natasha can’t let Fury die. She won’t.

Steve nods. “Sure. Easy. Just a few things to think about. How do we do that without alerting Fury. Think he’d believe us? I’m guessing he’s not Hydra if they want to kill him. How do I make it look like I killed Fury without actually killing him? I have a week to do this initiation killing.” Steve says the last part with a growl. He's asking a lot of good questions and Nat isn't sure she has all the answers.

“Are they giving you backup? If it’s just you that would make it easier-“

“I have a STRIKE team, Rumlow, and a guy with a metal arm ready and waiting. They want witnesses.”

Natasha feels herself flinch and then her blood runs cold. Steve notices, frowns.

“What kind of arm?” She looks Steve dead in the eyes. 

“Metal? Natasha? What’s wrong?”

She wants to throw up or scream or pull her hair out. Instead she takes a deep breath and lets it out. 

“His name is The Winter Soldier. I thought… Three years ago I was escorting a nuclear engineer out of Iran. Somebody shot out my tires near Odessa. We lost control, went straight over a cliff. I pulled us out.” She takes a breath. Even now she still has nightmares about that day, about dragging the man out of the wreckage- there was so much blood and she couldn’t get a good ling of sight and- “But The Winter Soldier was there. I was covering my engineer so he shot him… straight through me.”

“Good God,” Steve whispers, hand covering his mouth. “I knew he was dangerous, I could feel it.”

“ Be careful, Steve. He’s the best of the best. He’s credit with over two dozen assassinations-“

“Then we kill him.” Steve says then looks shocked at his own words. “Or find a way to work around him.”

Natasha glances at Steve, at the determination etched into his face. _What was Barnes to you, to make you think of killing before any thing else?_ Natasha thinks. 

Instead she says, “I don’t think killing The Winter Soldier is feasible. If he’s Hydra we have to play nice. “

“Okay, I’ll burn him with the rest of 'em.” Steve grunts. “How do I outsmart a secret organization with a trained killer and pretend to kill Fury?”

“We let Fury know.” Natasha answers.

“Can we trust him? I know they want him dead but-but” Steve stutters, the fear of failure making him shiver. “I can’t-I can _not_ fuck this up. There is to much-“

“Steve, trust me… we can trust him.” Natasha reaches out and touches his hand. “He’s a good man. He is.”

Steve gives a small nod, lets out a sigh. “Well… let’s go tell Nick Fury that we have to kill him.”


	6. Steve. Cold Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve would do anything for Bucky, even kill Fury if need be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so late. I had a family emergency.
> 
> I hope you all still are interested. I read every comment and smile at every. single. kudo. Thank you so much!

1943

Steve thinks New York might be colder than Italy, all things considered. Of course, in New York his coat was threadbare and he didn’t have a serum that made him super human and immune to things like bad weather. 

But still, the forests of Italy didn’t seem to be as bad as the shit-hole apartment he and Bucky shared with the thin windows and even thinner walls. 

Thinking of Bucky- it’s too much. Steve forces himself to think of the mission. To think of saving Bucky-

If Bucky were dead then he would have felt it, right? He would have felt something- anything- if Bucky was killed. But he didn’t so that meant Bucky had to still be alive.

Because if Bucky were dead-

The sound of a truck snaps his thoughts back to the mission at hand: find Bucky. 

***

Steve gives thanks to God as he pulls Bucky out of Azzano. 

Then, because nothing is ever easy, a Hydra agent jumps in front of them. Bucky, somehow acting on muscle memory, puts himself in front of Steve. 

The Hydra agent takes aim. 

Steve sees red. _Not this. Not now. Not after everything._ is the last thing Steve thinks. 

His vision fades and when he comes to there is a body under him and blood on his hands. Somebody is- somebody is sobbing. 

Oh.

It’s him. 

“Steve?” Bucky whispers. He gently touches Steve’s back and begins to rub like he did when Steve was having an asthma attack. “Stevie?”

“I thought you were dead. Then he p-p-pulled a gun and-“Steve keeps crying. He can’t stop his body from shaking. He can’t get the blood off his hands. “I thought you were dead, Bucky.”

“I’m right here, pal. You found me.” 

“I thought you were _dead_!” Steve shouts. He needs Bucky to understand that for a few hours he was lost and scared and- so fucking broken. He could finally see in color and then all colors became muted and dull.

“Well, now you know how I felt the winter of ’35 when you got pneumonia and the priest was called in. Scared the shit outta me.” Bucky says it as a joke but it comes out weak and wet. 

“Don’t-Don’t do that again.” Steve says. He reaches for Bucky’s hand then pulls away when he sees how filthy his hands are. 

Bucky grabs his hand before Steve can stop him. “I won’t if you won’t.”

“I won’t. I won’t.” Steve whispers into their clasped hands. It’s like holding that rosary all those years ago. Their haggard breaths mingle and their calloused hands clutch each other. Steve prays just like he did back then, asking God to keep Bucky safe-to being Bucky home after the war is over.

“Then I won’t either.” Bucky promises into Steve’s bowed head. 

 

2012

 

The sun is shining in New York, the birds are singing, and Nick Fury is glaring at Steve as they sit together on a bus stop bench. 

“When agent Romanoff said we needed to talk, I didn’t realize this was a deep ops mission. Should have worn my other eye patch.” Fury says, deadpan. 

Natasha shrugs, her civilian clothes letting her blend into the mass of people in New York.

Reaching to take his baseball cap off- but leaving his aviator glasses on- Steve gives a weak smile. He’s not a spy, he doesn't know how these things work. Natasha told him where to meet but didn’t say anything about what to wear. He wanted to be inconspicuous is all. He wanted to be careful. There was too much at stake not to be careful and people tend to notice Captain America. And while the people born and bred in New York rarely care if Captain America stands beside them on the subway, the tourists tend to make a huge fuss. 

 

“Director Fury,” Steve starts then stops. How do you tell a man that the government agency he runs- has dedicated his life to- is corrupt? How do you tell a man that he’s going to have to fake his own death?

Natasha sighs and says, “S.H.I.E.L.D. is compromised.” 

_Like that_ , Steve guesses. 

The only reaction Fury gives is a raised eyebrow. Steve wonders if Fury learned that from Natasha or the other way around. 

“Go on, Steve.” Natasha knocks their shoulders together. “Tell him what you told me.”

The story flows out of Steve easily enough, even the part about Bucky. He starts with the fight at Stark Tower and ends with Natasha saying that they needed to meet at a very public place. It takes maybe seven minutes to tell his story.

It takes another two minutes for Fury to speak. 

“He’s won a Nobel Peace Prize. He can’t… “ Fury looks at Natasha who blinks in response. “He wants me dead?”

“Yes.” Natasha says, calm. Like she tells people every day that the world they know is no more. 

Fury just looks at her with his good eye. 

Natasha nods her head. 

Fury sighs.

Steve thinks he’s not part of this conversation anymore. Absently, he fidgets with his cap. He wonders how long this will take, this silent conversation. He can’t help but think of Bucky, of how they could communicate during the war with a shake of the head or a blink of their eyes. It made them deadly, their shared language. 

“So, what, so Hydra can have complete control of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Then do what? Rule the world?” Fury says, jolting Steve from his memories. 

“He’s smarter than that. He has a plan we just don't know it. Steve is part of it. Your death is part of it.” Natasha is clam. It’s scary how easy she talks about death and destruction. Steve envies her ability to hide her emotions. 

“Why should I trust you?” Fury asks, anger in his voice. 

Natasha recoils at the question. It’s the first sign of emotions she’s shown during the whole conversation. It make Steve anxious. “You think I would work for Hydra? After everything-“

“I never thought a Nobel Peace Prize winner would plot my death so forgive me for being a little skeptical of the people I work with.” 

Steve takes a deep breath. It’s what his S.H.I.E.L.D. mandated therapist told him to do when he was feeling anxious. Of course that therapist could be Hydra- better not to dwell on that.

“I’m just as frustrated as you are, Nick. I traded in the KGB for Hydra! How do you think I feel?”

The deep breathing isn’t helping. It’s getting to be to much. They are getting nowhere and Bucky is out there-Bucky is alive.

“I never meant-“

_Buckyislaive!_

“Fury, you either plan your death with us or it won’t be an accident. You have ten seconds to decide.” Steve says. His words sounds calm but the threat is real.

Both spies look at him with wide eyes, their poker faces finally falling off at Steve’s declaration. Didn’t expect Captain America to kill in cold blood, did you?, Steve thinks. He’s done a lot worse for a lot less during the war. 

“Let me call Agent Hill. She needs to be in on this.” Fury finally breaks.

“No! There are already to many people who know-“

“Captain Rogers,” Fury interrupts. “If I die and don’t let her know before hand, she’ll kill you, then Natasha, then bring me back to life and kill me. We don’t keep her in the loop then we are royal fucked.”

“I trust her.” Natasha says. Steve looks at Steve and she must see something on his face because she gently touches his shoulder. “We can’t bring down a government agency on our own, Steve.”

Steve drags his hand through his hair and sighs. “She’s the last one.”

 

Maria Hill meets them at a coffee shop two hours later with a brief case and a bemused expression.

She doesn’t bat an eye when they tell her S.H.I.E.L.D. is compromised. She doesn’t so much as flinch when they tell her Alexander Pierce is behind Hydra. She doesn’t cringe when she learns they have to fake Fury’s death. 

All she says is, “Is that all?” 

All three of them nod in unison.

Hill takes a deep breath, opens a laptop and shows them her contingency plans. “I have a few ways to fake Fury’s death. There’s a drug that was developed for Dr. Banner. It didn’t work for him but it slows down a person heart enough to make it seem like they’re dead. I have a few vials. We could use that. Did they say they needed a trophy or was it just a visual conformation?”

When Steve looks at Fury he’s met with a grim smile. “I told you we needed her.”

“Steve.” Hill snaps. Steve almost salutes. “Did they want a body part or was a visual conformation all they wanted?”

“There’s going to be a team with me. They didn’t mention a body part… they want it to look like an accident.” Steve tries not to mumble like a schoolboy getting yelled at by nuns. 

“Good. That’s easier to plan. What other mission parameters did they give you?”

Steve wishes they had her back during the war. Between Maria and Peggy the Axis Powers would have been gone in a week.


	7. Steve. On Your Left

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve goes to D.C. and meets Sam Wilson. Also panic attacks so be warned.
> 
> Every kudo makes me want to write more and every comment makes me unbelievably happy. :)

1939

“Bucky, you can’t really wanna go to the Grand Canyon. What would you do in all that nature?” Steve says, taking a drink from their shared Coca-Cola bottle. Bucky had come back from his parents- _Shabbat time, Stevie. I figure I've been working almost every Friday and Saturday so if I have it off I gotta go.Where did you hide my nice jacket?_ -with a cold Coca-Cola bottle to share. Since Steve was sick not two days ago, he stayed home, fearful of spreading his cold to Bucky's sisters. Steve's grateful to have a few sips of Coca-Cola, it had been ages since he had some and the sticky, cold, sweetness made his lungs feel a whole lot better in the Brooklyn summer. He sets the bottle down between them so Bucky could have his swig. 

They’re sitting on the roof of their apartment building, watching the sunset. Tomorrow they both work, Bucky down at the Docks and Steve at the grocer. They don’t say it, but sitting and watching the sunset has become a weekend ritual that they both enjoy.

“Ok, then, where do you wanna go, huh?” Bucky asks, sticking his chin out. He doesn’t reach for the bottle just nudges it closer to Steve. 

“The Washington Monument.” Steve says with the conviction. He’s seen protests there and had wanted so bad to join. Fuck Hitler and Fuck Roosevelt for doing nothing.

“Stevie…” Bucky sighs and covers his eyes. “That’s the oddest thing I ever did hear.”

“The history, Buck!” Steve says, indignant. He looks at the bottle and watches the condensation drip down. Slowly, he traces a line with his finger. “To see the Nation’s capital would be amazing. Maybe we could join a protest?”

“Steve, Dear Lord, you joined a protest last week and ‘m sure you’re gonna join the one next week as well. Why’s it gotta be in the Capital, huh?”

“It’s the principal of the thing, Buck-“

“Oh, here he goes.” Bucky sighs, looking fondly at Steve out of the corner of his eye.

“We gotta do somethin’. We can’t just let Hitler do what he wants. He’s killin’ people, Buck! You’ve heard from your cousins what the Nazi’s did to their synagogue. He ain’t gonna stop with just that.” Steve says and takes a long drink from their bottle. He can hear Bucky fidget beside him and looks up. Bucky is looking out across the roofs of Brooklyn. His cheeks are red, his shirt sticks to his back, and he’s frowning.

“Shit, Buck. ‘M sorry.” Steve sighs, brushing his hair out of his eyes. He knows Bucky is worried about his family in Germany and here Steve is using it against him. Shit. “I didn’t mean to bring them up. They’ll be fine. Didn’t they already get a ticket over here?”

“Yeah.” Bucky whispers. He rubs his chin, the stubble making it rough, then smiles at Steve. “Lets go one day. To The Washington Monument, not Germany.”

Steve is struck by how beautiful his friend is. The dying light makes the ends of his hair look red which cause his bright blue eyes to stand out even more. Steve want’s to draw Bucky that way, young and beautiful and forgiving of everything Steve does. It should upset him, thinking like that, but it just makes his stomach feel warm in the best way.

“I thought it was the oddest thing you ever heard, Bucky Barnes.” Steve smiles back and offers Bucky the rest of the Coca-Cola. It’s no longer cool but still sweet. 

“Well,” Bucky says, taking the bottle. Their fingers brush for a brief second, making Steve's belly burn a little more. “If you’re gonna join a protest I gotta go to watch your back.”

Steve snorts and shakes his head. “I can get by on my own, Buck.”

“I know. But you don’t gotta. You’re stuck with me till the end of the line, pal.” Bucky drinks the last of their Coca-Cola and lets out a small burp. 

“Oh, grand. That’s just grand!” Steve laughs. Bucky belches again, sending Steve into a fit of laughter. “Stuck with such a slob!”

They laugh together on their rooftop as the sun sets over their city. 

***

2012

The burner phone Pierce gave Steve sits heavy in his hand. He dials the number Pierce gave him after their brunch almost three days ago. How long had it been since Steve learned Bucky was alive? How much time did he have left? Did Bucky even want to see-

“Hello, Captain Rogers.” Pierce’s voice slithers through the phone making Steve jump. A small part of Steve’s brain is still impressed at how clear voices sound over the phone now. 

“Mr. Secretary, sir.” Steve says. He doesn’t bother with pleasantries. “I’ve thought of a plan for Fury. I need to be in D.C. at S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters to make it look like an accident. I think anything else would lead to a lot of questions. I don’t think I will need much backup-“

“You will have access to a Strike Team as well as The Soldier. The Soldier will confirm the kill.” Pierce interrupts.

There was no room for argument, damnit. It’s ok, Steve’s team planed for this as well. “Understood. I found medicine Dr. Banner uses to help him sleep. Even a low dosage is fatal to non-enhanced individuals. I told Dr. Banner I would like to try some and after a few tests he gave it to me. I’ll spike Fury’s food with it. He trusts me so I can get close. I will need recon though, to find the best time to give him the medicine.” 

Steve takes a deep breath. This was the key, the most important part was to get Hydra in on the plan. The more they supervised it, the more likely they were to believe it. 

“You’ll have it. I’ll send out The Soldier tomorrow. He’s the best of the best. Give him a week for surveillance and we can get an idea of Fury’s habits.” Pierce sounds so smug. Steve wants to reach through the phone and strangle him. 

“Thank you, sir.” Steve says instead. “I’ll head to D.C. and infiltrate the premises.”

“Whatever you think is best. I will let you know when The Soldier is done.” Pierce hangs up the phone. 

The phone feels hotter in Steve’s hand, he wants to chuck it into traffic. It takes all his will power to put it back in his pocket and walk back into Stark Tower. He gives Natasha a small nod he passes her in the lobby. She wastes to time in calling Maria and getting ready to go to D.C.

***

Right after a conference call with the President of the God damn United States of God damn America about Stark God damn Industries opening up a new Department of Damage Control to take care of cleaning up after the wreckage- i.e. space whales- the Avengers left behind, Steve breaks the news to the assembled Avengers. 

 

Unsurprisingly, Tony does not take the news well. 

“What do you mean you’re leaving for D.C.?” Tony almost whines. “I have opened my quite large and expensive home to you and- is it not Depression Era enough for you? Is the water to hot? The food not boiled enough? Need I build a Hoover Ville on your floor? Should I release polio into the air? Should I replace your T.V. with a radio?”

“Oh, can I have Cap’s T.V.?” Clint asks, his feet propped up on the conference table. He had taken his hearing aids out during the conference and had apparently put them back in time for Tony’s melodrama.

“I didn’t even own a radio- that’s not the point.” Steve says. He is not in the mood for Tony Theater today. “I’m going to D.C. so I can help S.H.I.E.L.D.-”

“You didn’t have a radio?” Tony interrupts. Steve lets out a loud sigh. “How poor were you, Steven?” 

“Well, Anthony-” Steve starts. He can feel himself losing control. There is no time for this. Bucky is out there and Steve doesn’t have time for this tantrum.

“I didn’t think that one through. Jarvis, remind me never to call Capsicle Steven.”

“I just wanted to let you know that I might be a little busy for awhile, that’s all.” Steve says, exasperated. He’s already packed his bags but he’s seriously considering jumping out a window and leaving his things behind. There is no time to waste and yet Tony is wasting it. 

“Why do you want Cap’s T.V.?” Natasha asks Clint. She’s sitting beside him with her head propped up on her hands. Bruce sits beside her working on his computer and ignoring everyone.

“I could watch two things at once, Nat.” Clint says like he's talking to a child.

“Don’t you know how to do a split screen, Clint?” Natasha replies in the same tone. Bruce accidentally snorts. Natasha smiles at him. 

“.... I do know that.” Clint mumbles, not looking Natasha in the eye.

“Sure.” Natasha stretches, cracks her neck, and then checks her phone. “Ok, boys. Steve and I have to catch a ride so let’s wrap it up.”

Tony looks at her then back at Steve then back at Natasha. Steve can see when Tony decides to never let this go.“E tu brute?”

“I told Fury we’re on our way. Got your bags ready?” Natasha asks Steve, completely ignoring Tony. 

Steve grabs her elbow like a lifeline. “Yes, they’re in the lobby. Let’s go.” He all but drags Natasha out the door. 

“Smooth.” Natasha says when they get into the elevator. “You know Tony’s going to keep bothering us about why we left the Tower. Together.” 

“And I know you will do an amazing job of throwing him off our scent.” Steve replies. 

“Mmmm.” Natasha hums as she types on her phone.

“Do you think-” Steve starts.

“If you ask me one more time what I think you’re going to ask me, I will make sure you are not able to walk out of this elevator.” Natasha threatens, eyes never leaving her phone. 

Steve knows he’s stronger than she is but he doesn’t want to chance it. The rest of the elevator ride is silent. 

When they reach the lobby Maria is waiting for them by their bags. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

“Shotgun.” Natasha calls out into the lobby. 

“What? Where?” Steve finds himself ducking, reaching for his shield. Did Hydra have a change of heart?

“Oh, Steve, no.” Maria almost sounds like she’s not laughing at him. Her mouth almost doesn’t shake as she tries to hide her smile. 

Natasha doesn’t try to hide anything and lets out a snort. “It means I get to ride up front next to the driver. We really gotta get you caught up.” 

**

They make it to D.C. with time to spare because Maria Hill is many things but a safe driver who obeys traffic laws she is not. She speeds into the parking garage by the hotel and parks the car crooked. 

Steve stumbles out of the car the second it stops. Vomit is crawling up his throat and he swallows it down. He remembers Morita driving a beat up Hydra jeep like a man possessed while Monty bled out from a bullet to the shoulder. He remembers when he drove through enemy territory trying to get to half of his squad before they were shot and killed. He remembers Bucky driving into enemy fire as Steve tried to protect them both. How he told Bucky to stay down, stay low, stay safe for the love of God, you crazy bastard. There are other memories that flash into Steve’s brain - Bucky falling-He pushes those memories down and tries not to drown. He’s Captain God Damn America and he can Deal With It.

“Where did you learn to drive?” Steve asks, voice not as steady as he would like. He keeps seeing Bucky falling, or Dum Dum with shrapnel in his chest, or Gabe with his leg broken and the bone jutting out- 

“She didn’t.” Natasha answers with a smile. Steve is grateful she doesn’t pry. He supposes an ex-Soviet spy would have her own memories she would want to keep hidden, keep safe. 

“Oh shit, I knew I was forgetting something.” Maria laughs. “Always meant to get a, what are those things called again?”

“Driver’s License?” Natasha ventures a guess as she hefts her duffle bag out of the trunk of the car and slings it over her shoulder. She hands Steve his bag and then his shield. He takes both with shaking hands. Natasha doesn’t even raise an eyebrow.

“Yeah, one of those.” Maria smiles at Steve and winks. Maria doesn’t have a packed bag, only her purse that looks empty. She nods at them to start walking towards the hotel.

“Ha. Ha. Very funny.” Steve says, deadpan. The memories aren’t going away they’re only getting worse.

“I’m a God damn riot.” Maria says. She checks her phone, sends a quick message, then looks up at a their hotel building. “Let’s get checked in. Mission starts at 0700 tomorrow.” 

“Sir, yes sir.” Steve mumbles. He keeps seeing Bucky reaching and then falling, his screams ringing in Steve’s ears.

***  
After running away, almost literally, from Natasha and Maria’s dinner invitation, Steve sits alone in his room. He tells himself he’s not hiding. He knows it’s a lie.

Three hours pass before the memories finally stop their full frontal attack but sleep doesn’t come. Steve dejectedly digs out his running gear. 

Back during the War, Steve had jogged when he could. It was something Bucky mocked him for. What Bucky didn’t understand was that Steve had never been able to run. Or rather, Bucky had known but had never experienced asthma first hand. Steve still remembers what it felt like after running. His lungs would start to ache after a few seconds and he would be wheezing in less than a minute. But after the serum? Oh, Steve could run full speed for hours, lungs never hurting, never burning. It was, perhaps, Steve’s favorite perk of the serum. Seeing color was grand. Hearing out of both ears was life changing. Being able to lift a motorcycle over his head was a neat party trick. But being able to run for miles and miles and never ache? Steve loved that freedom. 

After pulling his running gear on he pulls out a map of D.C., planning out a running route. It looks like The National Mall has a great route. Steve could take in the sights; see the Washington Monument like he had always wanted. Bucky had wanted to see the Grand Canyon, never stopped talking about it even in France with fucking bombs dropping on their heads and people screaming.

Steve pushes those thoughts down, stretches, and heads out for his run.

But, even though his memories of the war have subsided, thoughts of Bucky still haunt Steve as he runs. 

Steve remembers Bucky smiling at him when they first met. Steve had been so angry but Bucky had taken his anger in stride and smiled. He remembers Bucky smiling over a campfire for the first time in the war, how Steve’s heart had soared. Bucky had been so distant and angry but then, after that smile, they had slowly re-learned each other after months of being apart. It was slow but soon they remembered how to make each other laugh so hard they cried. The rest of the team learned their tricks and even though the war had been brutal there had been moments of laughter thanks to Bucky. He remembers Bucky reaching for him and falling falling falling. 

Steve stops in his tracks and squeezes his eyes shut. Don’t remember that, not now. 

As he’s trying to block out the memories a man runs past him and says, out of breath, “On your left.” 

The words startle Steve out of his memories. The taunt wakes something up in Steve that pushes the memories down. Steven Grant Rogers never backed down from a challenge. He gives the man a few more second head start then runs like Bucky is in front of him, smiling and calling his name. 

In three seconds Steve catches up with the man. He slows down just enough to look the man over and smiles at the shocked expression on the man’s face. With a shit eating grin Steve says, “On your left.”

Steve doesn’t slow down and after circling The Mall he sees the man ahead of him. Steve shouldn’t really be feeling happy, not with Bucky out there but-

“Don’t say it!” The man wheezes. Steve really should slow down, give the man a break and let him keep the last remaining shreds of dignity he has.

Steve speeds up. “On your left.” He's not even out of breath.

Steve passes the man three more times, each time he calls out to the man, the man grunts and runs faster. Steve admires that. It reminds him of somebody- oh, him. 

As the sky starts to lose it’s stars, the man plops down on a bench facing the Reflecting Pool. Steve can hear him panting from a long way off. 

“Need a medic?” Steve calls out. He has a few seconds to take the man in: young, black, handsome, and strong if his legs have anything to say. Steve really shouldn't be staring at another mans legs even if they look like they could suffocate him. _Okay, where did that thought come from?_ Steve asks himself. He hadn't thought of another person like this since Bucky fell and only anger remianed. It almost didn't feel right, thinking that way when there were more important things to do.

The man huffs out a laugh and shakes his head. “I need to get back in shape after being on my ass for a few months. Dude, you just ran thirty miles in thirteen minutes.”

“Guess I got a late start.” Steve says. He can’t help be a little bit of a bastard. 

“Really?” The man snorts and leans his head back. 

Steve notices the insignia on the man’s shirt. “What unit you with?” 

“58th Para rescue. Just got back a few months ago. Started working at the V.A. last week.” The man reaches out a hand. “Sam Wilson.”

“Steve Rogers.” Steve says while shaking Sam’s hand. He’s impressed with how big it is and how- no. Stop. Not now. One minute he’s having flashbacks and now he’s thinking very inappropriate thoughts about a man he hardly knows. He needs to get his shit together. He needs to get out of here before he shoots himself in the foot.

“Yeah, I figured.” Sam says with a small smile. Steve can see a little gap between his teeth. “Must have freaked you out, coming home then fighting aliens.”

Steve nods. “Well, see you around, Sam Wilson.” He really needs to stop looking at the man’s legs and thinking about his hands, for Christ’s sake. Now is not a good time to have these kinds of thoughts. He needs to find Bucky-

He’s about to turn around when Sam whispers, “It’s my bed, for me.”

“What’s that?” Steve says. He heard him, of course he heard him. Steve can hear a pin drop a mile away during rush hour traffic. But something in Sam calls to him so Steve tries to call back. Like recognizing like, maybe. Broken soldier recognizing broken soldier. 

“My bed. It’s too soft. When I was over there I’d sleep on the ground and use rock for pillows, like a caveman. Now I’m home…lying on my bed, and it’s like-“

“Lying on a marshmallow. Feel like I’m going to sink right to the floor.” Steve finishes. Sam watches him carefully. “I used to use piles of leaves for pillows. Probably a little more comfortable than a rock.”

Sam smiles, showing off the gap between his teeth. Steve gives a small smile in return. 

“We fought in different wars, almost a hundred years apart, but it was just yesterday for you.” Sam says, seeing something in Steve’s eyes. “Me too.”

It’s 0500 hours and Steve has to get ready soon. But he can spare a few minutes to sit with a fellow soldier as they show each other their wounds. One day they will be scars but for now they ache and burn. They both watch the sun rise over the Washington Monument in silence, each thinking of what they gave and what they lost during their wars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Sam. He is one of my favorite MCU characters and I struggled with how to add him to this AU. He is so important to Steve's story so I couldn't just leave him out. But, Sam would have just gotten back and would be dealing with Riley's death. He would be a little bit of a mess, just life Steve. So, while Sam won't be a huge character in the story, I still wanted him and Steve to help each other with their big transitions into a brave new word. Even if it's just a little bit. Plus, Steve was totally flirting with Sam in CA:WS and honestly? Who can blame him?


	8. Interlude: The Soldier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Is Not A Happy Chapter
> 
> Memory problems, torture, sadness, brain trauma, hallucinations... aka Bucky Barnes as The Winter   
> Soldier.
> 
> Sorry this chapter took so long. I have another one I'm editing that should be up in a few days as an apology! 
> 
> As always, kudos and comments make me smile and make me write!

Siberia. Sometime.

There is always a kid, small, frail, angry more often than not. He doesn’t say anything, just watches with those desperate blue eyes. 

The Soldier doesn’t talk much either. (Don’t speak unless spoken to or unless you are on the field. Don’t look away, Soldat. Don’t look at me like that, Soldier. Don’t fight back! Don’t-)

The Soldier isn’t- wasn’t can’t won’t- allowed to remember everything but he thinks this kid has been with him for always. 

Maybe the kid is somebody important. Maybe The Soldier killed him. He thinks he's killed many people. He thinks he's been killing people for a very long time.

“Wipe him and get him ready for the ice.” Says a man dressed in black. 

The Chair starts up.

The Soldier doesn’t remember much, but the terror that noise brings is etched into the meat of his bones. 

The kid watches as The Soldier opens his mouth for the mouth guard. The kid watches as a device is put over The Soldier’s face. The kid watches when electricity floods The Soldier's brain.

The men around him look away when he starts to scream- “Don’t scream!” “He can’t help it, man. It’s an animal reaction and he’s an animal."- but the kid with they yellow hair and blue eyes doesn’t even blink. 

The Soldier screams because it hurts. He screams because...

For a few seconds the electricity from The Chair goes through every pathway and sets every neuron in every part of his brain on fire. 

For a split second James Barnes remembers everything.

_“Bucky, Love, go get your sisters for dinner.” “Yes-”_

____

-running through the house in bare feet, chasing my screaming sisters. They hide behind Father who tickles them. I love them so much. Father smiles down at them and-

  
  


_“Go, get dressed for Temple.” “But Mother-“_

-going to Temple and not understanding what was happening but knowing it was important. My people were older than… well they were old so they must be doing something right to get this far, I guess. When the other kids make fun of me and call me names, I learn how to throw a left hook. They stop after that and attack somebody else-

  
  


_"If you run they'll just keep chasing you." "I guess I better stick around then, for your sake. You're too small to-"_

-little Steve Rogers with a busted lip and fire in his eyes is raising his fist in righteous furry at me. I can't help but smile. We are going to be great friends. Steve and Becca will get along so well-

  
  


_“Look Bucky! I made straight A’s!” “Becca Barnes, the star of the fam-“_

-my pride and joy. So smart. So kind. She was going to go places, she was, and I pray everyday she will be safe-

  
  


_"I can't just intrude on your family holiday, Buck." "Your Ma is working and my Ma loves to feed people-"_

-Steve eating _challah_ while honey drips down his fingers and smiling at Becca who has honey smeared across her face. I watch him and give thanks for another year with him. I'm so lucky to know him and be with him. I'm not one for prayer, but I whisper a small one, asking to be with him forever-

  
  


_“Just praying, Buck. ” “Teach me-“_

-Ave Maria, gratia plena dominus tecum…

It’s the closest to God I ever felt with Steve’s fingers all tangled up with mine and Steve’s breath hot against my lips. I can’t look away. I swear I hear God when Steve exhales. I feel God when our fingers brush as we hold the rosary. I see God in the little line between Steve’s eyebrows that I want to kiss away. It’s a sin to think this way, but I’ll gladly be a sinner if I could feel like this again.

Oh. 

Oh I love-

  
  


_“Thanks Buck, but I can get by on my own.” “The thing is-“_

-the thing is, I love you. I’ve loved you since the moment I met you and you nearly punched me for calling you little. I've lived for every smile you give me, every scrap of affection that I drag out of you is like a holy gift. I can understand how my people survived in the desert if what God gave them was anything like the smile you give me when I bring you small scraps of my affection: pencils, paper, paints, medicine.

How many people have I hit, for you? How many times have I stolen, for you? How many times have I sat awake and thought of you and what you could do to me with your lips and your tongue and your- _Good God_ what you do to _me_ \- 

  
  


_“First time, hot stuff?” “Y-y-yeah-“_

-the man from the bar, Jimmy he said his name was, slowly wraps his mouth around me and- I can’t help but grab his hair as he swallows me down. My other hand is stuffed into my mouth. The alley we are in is empty and dark but somebody could hear-

His wet finger opening me up- good God I never knew it could feel this way.

I shove my fist deeper into my mouth and moan-

  
  


_“Goodbye, Bucky. See you soon, yeah?” “Sure thing, Becca. Keep studying-“_

-Steve doesn't say anything but he wraps his arms around me and I try not to crush his ribs when I hug him back. I don't look back when I get on the boat to London. It's is packed with terrified boys trying to be brave. I go below deck , find a corner, and cover my mouth as I cry-

  
  


_“Sarge we can’t hold ‘em!” “Well we gotta-“_

-I didn't know it was possible to be this scared. War is hell and God can’t save me. I'd give anything to go home to Brooklyn. To see Becca, Ma, and Steve. God, Steve. My body aches for him and I let it. If I’m going to die then I’m going to die with Steve’s name on my lips. It ain’t right, but it’s all I have out in the middle of nowhere Italy with bullets flying and an eighteen year old kid bleeding out next to me. It’s not right it’s not fair-

  
  


_“This one isn’t breaking, not like the others.” ”James Barnes, Sargent 32556-“_

Fire in my veins, behind my eyes, in my bones. I’m dying slowly, being eaten away by whatever they pumped into me. I can’t even scream as I die-

  
  


_“You’re late.” “Couldn’t call my ride.” “Hey! –“_

She’s beautiful and looking at you and you are a masterpiece and looking at her and nobody is looking at me. 

I want to scream: Why won’t you look at me? 

But I shout: Let’s hear it for Captain America.

You finally look at me and I hate it. Who are you why did you take Steve away from me? I’ve never been so angry. Bring him back bring him back bring him back-

  
  


_“Ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?” “Hell no-"_

Follow Captain America? Fuck that guy and the eagle he flew in on. Captain America didn’t pull me out of a burning building. Steve Rogers did. I would follow Steve Rogers anywhere. Maybe it’s not healthy, maybe it’s not right, but he whispered a prayer into my ears once and I’ve been a sinner ever since. I’m doing this for Stevie, for that little guy who smiled at me when I pulled him off the ground in fourth grade- 

  
  


_“Hey Buck, how you doin’?” “Fine, Stevie-“_

-I lie and try to look away but Steve hears his old nickname and smiles-

Oh God there he is. He’s smiling at me and his smile is still crooked and shy and perfect. Hello, sweetheart. I’ve missed you. I thought I lost you-

  
  


_“Bucky! Hold on! Grab my hand!”_

Reaching. 

Reaching. 

Reaching.

Don’t follow me, Stevie. I knew the war would kill me but not like this. Please, God, not with him reaching for me. _Ave Maria, gratia_ … Don’t follow me Stevie, I ain’t worth it, but please catch me cause I can't die with you looking at me like that. Maybe I should have believed more in God but Steve is reaching for me and I ain’t never stopped believing in him-

  
  


_“Bucky! No!”_

No no no no no no-

 

_“You will be the new first of Hydra.”_

-fuck you, you piece of shit. I ain’t gonna do nothing-

_“Start up The Machine. We need to break him.”_

-‘m not gonna break. Didn’t break the first time, won’t break this time-

_“Try again.”_

Everything is buzzing.  
Steve watches. Becca watches. **Ma** watches. _"Ma-please-"_

_“Again.”_

-can’t focus- 

Steve, so little, watches. Becca watches. _"Run Becca-"_

_“This isn’t working. Try at sixty percent power."_

The kid with the sad eyes-Steve- doesn't look away even when I pisses his pants. _“Please, Steve-“ _don't watch this-__

__“Use more power. He’s still resisting. He still remembers”_ _

__There is a yellow haired kid- "Steve-"_ _

__"More."_ _

__The kid - "S-s-stevie-"_ _

___"95 percent power."_  
"Sir-"  
"95 percent!" 

__There is a kid. Why is there a kid?_ _

__\- - -_ _

_“Soldat, mission report.”_

The kid watches him. 

__“Mission completed. Target exterminated.” - _I shoot between breaths and the target goes down and the crowd screams.__ _

__\- - -_ _

_“Soldat, mission report.”_

__The kid watches him._ _

__“The village has been burnt, no survivors-“ _Children scream for their mothers and mothers scream at me and I shoot them between the eyes. It’s a mercy, the only gift I can give.__ _

__\- - -_ _

_“Soldat, mission report.”_

__The kid watches him._ _

__The president has been shot-“ _his wife screams and screams and drags his body close._  
-_ _

__The neurons are burnt and he forgets _everything_. _ _

__The Chair gives one last pulse of power and The Soldier seizes. The mouth guard is not enough to stop him from biting through his tongue as his body jerks and twists and his metal arm sizzles. (The Chair needed repairs but the tech hadn’t had time. This mistake will cost him his life)._ _

__Something goes wrong in his brain-_ _

__The kid is gone between one heartbeat and the next. Panic swells in The Soldier before he loses consciousness._ _

__Later, as he's being lifted into his tank to heal, he looks through his bangs at the people surrounding him._ _

__The Soldier thinks there used to be somebody who watched over him._ _

__He can't remember._ _

__\-- -- --  
Later, years maybe, or months or weeks or-_ _

__He's pulled out of the ice, wiped, and starting at a man._ _

__"Soldier." The man says. The man has blonde hair and blue eyes. The Soldier almost remembers blue eyes like those, always watching him. He loses the memory the second he thinks about it.. "You have a new mission. Help Captain Rogers kill Nick Fury. Do you understand? Are you ready to do good in the world?"_ _

__"Understood." The Soldier says. "Mission parameters, sir?"_ _

__"Make it look like an accident. If Captain Steve Rogers fails, kill him." The man with the blue eyes searches The Solider's face. The Soldier doesn't know what the man is looking for._ _

__"Understood." The Soldier says. This should be an easy mission._ _

__"Make it hurt. Make it slow." The man says and smiles. "When he's almost dead show him your face."_ _

__"Understood." The Soldier doesn't ask why. He doesn't even think to ask why. It's not for him to know. He is a weapon, a fist for good in the world._ _

__The man's smile shows too many teeth for it to be joyful._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Figured I'd add this chapter here.
> 
> I have a few headcanons in regards to Bucky/Winter Soldier. Here they are.
> 
> 1.When the electricity zaps Bucky's brain, for a few seconds, his life flashes before his eyes and Bucky remembers everything before it gets ripped away again. Something something neuropathways something something neurons something something they react to the electricity which makes them activate and share the memories. I'm not a scientist. 
> 
> 2\. I'm sure getting electrocuted on the regular does things to your brain, no matter how fast your noodle heals. So he probably hallucinates because he's had tremendous damage done to his brain.
> 
> 3\. When he sees Steve for the first time in The Winter Soldier, Bucky sort of remembers him. So he has to have SOME memory SOMEWHERE. But it's probably not of Big Steve. The vast majority of Bucky's life with Steve was spent when Steve was little. So his memory and the hallucinations would be of Little Steve. (I also think the thing that jogged Bucky's memory was of Steve's bruised and bloody face more than 'I'm with you 'till the end of the line' because you know Bucky saw Steve's busted up face and was like 'oh... OH STEVE! Hey I didn't recognize you without a black eye and a busted lip!'). 
> 
> 4\. Bucky says in Civil War that he was kept in Serbia... I assume he was taken out of cyro and used all over the world then went back to Serbia when he was finished. That is... until Pierce.


End file.
